Facing fears - How I’m working on overcoming PTSD & panic attacks

I never used to be a fearful person. I wasn’t a stress-head or a worst-case scenario thinker. I had never had a panic attack, or even been close to one. I loved driving, enjoyed speaking upfront if it was for a cause, and I loved playing the piano at church. The only time I really got fearful to an unhealthy point was when I had to go to a doctor or into a hospital to visit someone (how ironic!). I had always hated hospitals.

But that was before our HeartKid was born and the subsequent PTSD I ended up with - which so many parents of HeartKids experience.

Now that I reflect on it, my fears transformed into my safest places, and my loves became my biggest fears. I went from hating hospitals to instantly feeling safer in them if I’m with my HeartKid. I can walk into an Emergency Department now, and instantly feel my stress drop; I know I’m in a place which is equipped to deal with whichever cardiac symptom we’re walking in with.

Yet what felt like overnight, I started having panic attacks while driving in crowded traffic (in cities or country towns), while driving through tunnels and over bridges and while playing the piano at church. Being up the front of around 250 people on a stage and trying to play an instrument, while having a panic attack at the same time, is right up there with the most awful experiences of my life. This didn’t just happen once, it happened repeatedly.

So I started avoiding situations where I knew a panic attack was likely. I missed doing a whole heap of things I still regret, like watching a MasterChef episode being filmed in Melbourne and visiting extended family on the other side of the city (it would mean driving through tunnels and over bridges). I stopped playing the piano at church, using the excuse of being pregnant. My husband had to start coming to our son’s cardiology appointments as well, as I couldn’t face driving through the tunnel and over the bridge myself. If I had to go alone, I would catch the train or drive the long way around. The things I loved were being stripped from me. Or more to the point, I allowed these things to be stripped from me.

You see, from my experience, the short term and easiest solution was to just stop doing these things, as at the time I was so busy trying to keep everything and everyone afloat. I couldn’t deal with the physical symptoms this stress and panic brought on, and got to a point (with piano in particular) where I thought, ‘I can’t keep putting my body through this’. So I took the quickest fix possible. I avoided a lot of things.

But last year, I was over it. I got sick of this fear controlling so many aspects of my life and having this invisible grip on me. I’ve done a lot of ‘coping as a carer’ related reading over the past 6 years (most cover topics like anxiety and mental health), and decided it was time to start putting some of this knowledge into practice in my most fearful areas. So I challenged myself to drive through the tunnel in Melbourne, and you know what, I did it! I could write a whole heap more about the process behind this, but it’s really another post in itself. Now, I’m back to loving driving again. I still don’t love driving in busy traffic, but I’ve also realised that not many people actually do. The more I do it, the easier it is. And quite often now, I don’t even notice I’m in a previously stress-inducing situation (like driving between two big trucks with cars in front and behind). If driving is one of your fears, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

But while the driving challenge went well and my fear is virtually gone, I’m now choosing to face my fear of having a panic attack while playing keys at church: I’m playing keys on Sunday again for the first time. This one has been massive, and feels like a huge milestone to overcome. I’m sure I’ll look back on this and wonder why I was so worried and left it so long, but at the moment, it definitely doesn’t feel like that. My stress has been rising all week - not helped by a relatively stressful week at work - and everything in me is yelling at me to back out. It’s a mental and maybe spiritual battle that I never anticipated. I am determined not to let it beat me.

I was speaking with someone today who said they choose to be brave. And I thought, ‘yep, that’s what I want to get back to being like.’ I don’t want to be controlled by fear any more. I don’t want to feel this level of stress around doing something I love. I don’t want to keep missing out.

What I do want is for my kids to see me challenging myself. I want my fears to dissolve. I want to have fun doing something creative. I want to get back to contributing musically which used to be one of my favourite ways to contribute. I want to remind myself that I don’t actually get panic attacks anymore.

I know how to deal with this. I know strategies to implement. I know God is on my side. I know that I am more than fear, and I’m not going to let fear control and hold me back anymore.

I am choosing brave.